get to the point!

"I'd rather you hate me for who I am, than love me for who I am not"

Today I realised something - i can't stand beating around the bush!

I'm quite perceptive about things & people around me, so i find it really hard to 'play along' when i see people have ulterior motives - bit like when some people give you lotsa superficial small talk just to build up to what they're really after you for....it really bugs me! I dont mind if people i dont really know well or talk much to ask me for help/whatever but just get to the point! Why waste my time??

I'd rather not say anything than to pretend.....

As i'm getting older, i feel i'm less willing to tolerate things.....i think its less of an arrogant kinda thing though & more of a knowing-who-i-am-&-what-i-want/need kinda way....plus working means time is precious so productivity is key!

Working with women offenders with substance misuse problems is taxing in the sense that they've learnt to be so manipulative that being around them is hard work coz almost everything they say & do carries messages/attitudes.....
Theres recently been a couple of residents in with mental health problems....all of them do in the sense of deep-rooted trauma & all the PTSD related etc related to it, but the recent new admissions came with bipolar and schizophrenia! (i find it somewhat worrying that i could see the women had schizophrenia but our senior mental health nurse said she doesnt....the service user got admitted to Parkhead Hospital & the psychiatrist there diagnosed her with schizophrenia.....hmm)

My colleagues are not mental health trained or whatever so was interesting coz they find the 2 ladies really hard to work with but i love being around them! With mental health patients, yeh they can talk random bizzare things at times, but what you see is what you get! I find the other so-called 'normal' residents harder work coz some of them can be quite cocky & demanding! Theres one lady who has quite a rude attitude.....& she is quite pushy & demanding to me.....apparently she doesnt like that some of the staff are younger than her......which i can kinda understand coz i wont have as much life experience as her & all that, but my theoretical knowledge & other experiences say i'm good enough to be where i am so you'll just have to like it or lump it! I'm the kinda person who wont really realise/be affected by things til a while after its happened, so such people end up getting away with things with me...hmm......

Uni just does not prepare you for the real world though....its all well having all the theory but who teaches you how to deal with real life issues outwith of the textbook? I know most about Social Psychology stuff from observing others (personalities, attitudes etc) & severe mental health problems from volunteering & in work, and know some of the theory behind the long-term effects of abuse but what about the real-life daily things that are also effects? Like self-harm and suicidial ideation?? I understand the thinking behind it but where in the textbook teaches you how to console or comfort a person goin thru it? Gosh....

Although some days can be really draining & stressful....when i'm having bad days i wish my passions were in 'non/less-human related' work (like working with plants, animals or numbers! :P) but the truth is, i wouldnt change it for the world!

Good Will Hunting is a film that reminds me of my dreams when things get tough :) I watched the trailer of Sandra Bollock's film The Blind Side the other night & it totally reminded me of my deepest desires.....It has always been my dream, since i was a kid, to play significant role in people's lives...to believe in people whom themselves &/or society have given up on....i couldnt imagine myself doing anything!

Missing my precious wee Princess

you are what you excrete

Last week I went to a 5-day training course for detox acupuncture and the trainer guy said "you are what you excrete"...referring to healthy-eating but also elimination of emotional baggage etc important for maintaining emotional wellbeing.

The course revolved around the Chinese philosophy of the Five Elements and although much of that feng shui gumph goes against Christianity, I found the personality traits within the Five Elements an interesting read (being into Psychology, i'm big on personality things :P) I cant remb most of it, but i remb being able to relate a lot to what was written about 'Earth' personality types.....people who care a lot about others, often at the sacrifice of themselves. The drawback of such characters is proneness to stress and anxiety, particularly when they feel unsupported by others.

In the majority of situations I am in, I dont feel I can be truly open & honest, particularly becoz people around me cant handle the truth of whats really goin on in my mind & heart...
I dont think it requires someone who has "been there done that" to be a good listener or someone whom i'd open up to...its not about them having advice to give & it not about them knowing what the right thing to say is, its about listening, acknowledging & accepting my experience & feelings FIRST! Then mayb offer advice/opinion/whatver....
Theres nothing worse than thinking you can talk to someone just for them to turn round and dismiss your feelings &/or decisions...worse still, tell you you're being stoopit or its your own fault! :O The real important key to counselling is validation of the person's feelings!

Its annoying that people expect you to listen to them rant but if/when you need to be heard, it often gets dismissed...

I'm finding more & more that my "Love Language" of Quality Time & Quality Conversations etc is coming thru.....mayb its bcoz i've started working so time is precious....i find myself feeling big random gatherings & superficial chats are kinda pointless...why not get down to some real stuff eh? Life is too short for so much faffing around, walking on egg shells and all that!

So yeh back to the original quote.....although elimination of emotional stuff is important, i've also learnt for myself, that talking to many people often causes myself more harm than good. I feel blessed to know there are a few jewels out there who have gotten to know me well enough to notice & care when i'm stressed out &/or not being myself etc :) As for the rest, its my bad for feeling kinda hurt/disappointed/whatever coz the reality is, your response/opinion doesnt matter to me anyway!

- Missing my Princess a lot!

ramble

"If you die and you can count your friends on one hand, then you have lived a good life".

I remember reading that somewhere when I was younger & thinking "what?? ive got a lot more than 5 friends"..... but with age, I'm beginning to see the truth in that quote. True friends are indeed hard to come by.....

I'm not someone who opens up easily...perhaps its a "once bitten twice shy" thing coz I've been hurt in the past...

I've recently noticed there is something.....theres something deep & special about a boy-girl relationship that same-sex friends will never match - regardless of how long you've been good mates with ur same-gender friend. Sounds like a stoopit thing to say....especially becoz I've always been a believer in "sisters b4 ur misters"....i watched Bride Wars in the cinema & it reminded me of someone & i cried becoz i wished that what happened in the film wud happen in real life (not the whole war part, but the bits when both of the brides are lying awake at night etc becoz even tho they were happy that they're soon to be getting married to the man they love, things just didnt seem right becoz they didnt have their best friend.....)

I'm not sure that is the case in real life.....i used to believe it to be true but reality tells me otherwise....you think you know someone but maybe you dont coz the only person whom they allow to see all of their thoughts etc is their other-half...even if you've spent years being really good friends, along comes a guy/girl & soon you're yesterday's news!

I think i open up about the same to an other-half as i do to close gfs but somehow the role of the other-half is just more willing to do something about it...wonder why that is...coz theoretically gfs shud be able to relate more....

I think only one person truly knows & understands me & actually does sumin about it! (besides God of course!)...in the sense that he can tell when i'm unhappy, be it thru text, phone or in person....he can see thru my 'everything is ok' masks....hes not afraid to address issues underlying my outward emotions....altho we had dated for a couple of years, i dont think that is why hes got this 'ability' to sense & see thru me....coz we were really good friends for years b4 then......i feel really blessed that God has preserved our friendship :)

"Friends listen to what you dont say"

I've been told b4 "u shud tell me when ure feeling unhappy coz otherwise i wont know"
Part of me thinks theres truth in that, but another part of me feels that u shud know me well enough to be able to tell....wheres the line between it being nature to certain personalities Vs effort....perhaps its jst time & effort which neither of us are willing to invest....

Girls are a lot less "get up & go" than guys.....guys will drive out to see you/take you out to cheer u up....they'll make silly jokes &/or fools of themselves just so you'll smile agen....they'll spend an hour in the freezing cold to help you fix your car coz they'd rather they do it than i get ripped off by a random Halfords guy....they'll go out of their way & grant ur random spontaneous suggestion of a road trip, travelling 150 miles just to stay 3hrs & come home again, becoz its your last days b4 starting work.......

I'm just rambling.....

So back to the original quote....there definitely arent many people to whom i can truly be myself, and even less i know i can call & dependent upon in case of emergency, but for the few that are, i thank God for :)

- I love you

"Friends are those with whom we feel comfortable enough to 'think out loud."

"A friendship is like a gold chain..each link is a memory from past to present..."

Exception to the rule

I’m not your “average girl”, never have been & never will be! ;) I’m quite tall for a girl…I’m proud to be stronger than your “average girl”, I can lift heavier weights than most other girls who go in2 the gym’s Muscle Conditioning Suite, I can do full-press ups and infact I perform better than some of the guys in there! :P

I know more about certain ‘guys’ topics than your average girl...I don’t cry easily in movies…I think I’m more understanding and less irrational than the stereotypical girl…I can’t stand multi-faceted behaviours…I was the only Chinese girl in my whole high school…

I’ve never really minded being different from the stereotype or the exception to the rule, but something happened last week that reminded me of the past….& made me realise that one thing that I DO mind being the exception to, is regarding people & their moods….well specific people….

I put up with a lot of stuff because I understand that there is more to it than the outward behaviours. Sometimes people say & do things that hurt me but adopting a critical holistic approach, & trying to be a loving Christian, I often stay silent in the hurt & try to see things from that person’s perspective, regardless of whether I think they have the correct outlook or not.

Generally we as human beings, when troubled by things (be it underlying issues, or things we are consciously aware of), we automatically put on the “socially acceptable” face of appearing ok, make regular conversation etc…only when around those who we are close to, do we show our real emotions……& in cases where we are troubled by things but don’t/can’t explicitly disclose them, we often get snappy at those around us – seemingly “for no apparent reason”

That’s the social norm….but something I’ve realised is, with certain people when they’re troubled by stuff, they can act all pleasant etc around other people however, when around me, I experience (suffer?) the moody tone, lack-of-concentration/attention, lack of interest etc…in essence, the side that reflects the true mood/problem(s) that are troubling them.

I don’t do anything different from other people, nor do I explicitly address the issues so what is it about my personality/character that seems to trigger or bring out such ‘real’ behaviours etc? :S

Truthfully, I don’t mind too much coz usually such moods etc are explained by underlying issues so eventually when I know what the problem really is, I can be more understanding of such moods etc…

The thing that bothers me most is when I have to suffer bad attitudes, manic driving, disrespect etc for no reason!! Coz when I explicitly ask what is REALLY going on, the person doesn’t say. So really, why do I have to put up with such things?? Not that I demand to know everything, but if there’s something in our relationship that makes you feel you can reveal your ‘true feelings’ thru the rage, impatience etc, then surely I deserve to know whats goin on??

I got really upset last night…..because, well the thing that happened reminded me of the past, but in this case, you aren’t my anyone!! So what the F makes you think you can treat me like that?? I’m no longer that ‘close friend’ so why don’t I get the ‘everything is ok’ side??

I cried because I resent myself for caring….I resent that I miss our friendship & who you used to be….I cried because you made the effort to suggest we catch up but hardly spoke two words to me……I cried because of the shock & hurt I felt when you said you were going out & didn’t even bother to wait…..

I don’t deserve to be treated like that - suffering attitudes, moods etc as if I had done something wrong when I’d done nothing!! There’s a fine line between caring for someone despite outward moods etc (because you know the problems that underlie) and just putting up with crap for no reason!

So that’s it…this particular door in my heart is now closed with a padlock on it.

It’s for the best - for me...

shutting down

People do not “make us miserable.” We choose to be miserable. The immediate emotion that arises after the action of another person may be automatic and beyond your control, but what you do with that emotion is your decision.

As i'm getting older, I've realised the above statement to be more & more true...maybe thats why i chose to study Psychology; coz i'm really self-aware & i like to think beyond the superficial...

Tonight i had several incidents which has made me realise once you've shut yourself down from people, its hard to open up again....despite conscious efforts to dig up stuff that is common ground, theres sumin thats missing....even though theres not been any bad fall out or hard feelings, i guess time can wash alot of things away - including good things/feelings!

So linking back to the above quote/statement....i guess ive chosen to stop expecting anything from certain people. Coz no expectation means no risk of disappointment. Not that it means our relationship is now tense or whatever, its just that the reality of it is, things have changed so i have two options 1) wallow about it, build up resentment etc or 2) accept that this is reality & move on!

I think as humans, we are too prone to thinking of how things "used to be", so thats the measure used for comparison of the present.....especially in cases where the present is a deterioration of what used to be......but yet if you met that person & they are as they are now, you'd either like it or you wudnt! Whereas people who have changed, you seem to linger on2 what used-to-be & in a sense it becomes unfair(?) on the other person coz you 'expect' them to be as they were.....& when they're not, you feel disappointed.....

I read somewhere that instead of thinking of how things used to be, we ought to embrace changes & accept friends for who they are now, with their current circumstances etc....but thats often a really difficult thing to do coz it requires conscious effort....

I guess i've changed too.......i'm definitely not the young naive girl i was a few years ago!

But its making me question whether comatosed relationships are resuscitatable....

"some people make the world special just by being in it"

I woke up this morning in the quietness of my own house & it really made me miss Birmingham!! :( It was really nice being around the warmth & liveliness of a full house.
I've never had the experience of having a close knit extended-family so being around the Liews (three generations! :P) + auntie Rose was really nice! Before they arrived I was abit scared of feeling like an outsider but they were all really lovely!! Even though i was only around for 1.5days, I felt part of the family! :) Is great how they all pooled in selflessly to help out in every way they could!

After lunch on Wednesday when we sat around chatting....Chris & I were sitting on the floor near the fireplace eating mooncake :P ….it gave me the warm feeling you normally see on TV or whatever, of biggish families at Christmas time :)

I came back to discover a card for me from L, congratulating me on getting my job & saying other nice encouraging things! It made me feel really special! :) I remb couple weeks ago, Chris emailed me to say her & Ash were both really proud of me! Theres something about people who are significant to me teling me they’re prod of me that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling :)

"some people make the world special just by being in it"

i'm definitely blessed to have close friends who care & love me! :) I always seem to play Mother Goose to people (an natural innate thing for me ;) )...which comes even more since i'm a 'leader' & older female in church....butit is really nice when my friends turn round & ask how I'M feeling.... to nag at ME to get things done....remind me to be careful...& tell me they're glad i'm back etc :) It makes me feel special to know that they can see i'm human too & they're not afraid to ask/address my rants.....coz its so easy for people just to take take take & assume you are a superhero with infinite resources.......

its weird that someone whom i consider a close friend, actually does not speak the same love language as me.....infact i dunno what they speak at all!!! :S :S Sometimes its frustrating....coz u'd like them to show they care but they just goof around or whatever......oh well i guess different people work differently.....

Its getting really late now & i'm supposed to be retuning my biological clock back to normal so i better go to bed.....

Missing my babies & my gfs!

stuff

Havent blogged in a long long time..where to begin?

I've recently been thinking a lot about things.....to the point where i'm lying in bed wide awake coz things are running thru my mind....NB ive been thinkin a lot about things, not about a lot of things ;)

On Friday, i had a mini haunting from the past.
When i was in high school...i think like s2 or s3 (when i used to come home for lunch) I used to bump into a Caucasian man who'd talk to me about Chinese stuff.....his opening line wud always be "Nî hâo ma?" then he'd talk crap about his knowledge/experience of Chinese people, HK, China, whatever crap! He'd actually stop me for AGES & ramble on, even tho i had nufin to input & clearly looked uncomfortable in his presence. More often than not, i'd bump in2 him whilst i was right outside my close door, so besides delaying me getting home to eat, knowing he knew exactly where i lived made me feel really vulnerable...
This happened several times...i cant remember how often, but i remember it felt like whenever i'd recovered from the fear, he'd reappear! I remember slightly more recently, i had to take the bus coz my car was getting serviced or sumin, i was walking towards the bus stop across the road from my house with earphones in listening to music & somehow he appeared (from nowhere??) & said "Nî hâo ma?"......it scared the crap out of me! Coz i wasnt paying attention so had no idea where he came from, plus his face haunts me! So i responded with a really angry growler & i walked further in2 the bus shelter bit....dunno where he went afterwards!

So thats the background......on Friday, i was walking thru Gordon St with HY & L....it was drizzly rain so we all had our hoods on & chatted away whilst walking. Suddenly a racist-to-Chinese noise sounded...we looked & saw there was a man standing (outside the Catherine Shaw jewellers? that kinda area neway) ...HY, L & i laughed but when we looked at who made the noise, i noticed IT WAS HIM!!! We continued our walk Borders but the few times HY & L looked back, he was following us! WTF?? Eventually L turned round & said he's away. Phew!
I felt reeeeallly scared! I know it was only 4ish-pm so kinda still bright, i had company & all that but still. His face brought me back to all the other times i'd encountered him & all the negative emotions that came with it! I felt really angry at how vulnerable he made me feel - back then & recurring now!

I mentioned it to Pinky coz he knows/understands the background behind it but being male, he cudnt understand my feelings....its hard being female.....

In City Mission on Friday night, 2 of the service users started making conversation with me (started off with "do you speak English?" haha :P) One of the guys was clearly the more dominant one in their friendship coz he spoke alot & the other guy struggled to get a word in....so Guy no.1 began with a quick summary of his history - he'd been in & outta prison since he was 15 and had pretty much only managed to stay out for like 2wks then get another 6yrs sentence, out for 10 days then another 6 years etc....apparently, presently he has been out for 12wks & is the longest he's been out for. He told me hes been in care homes since he was born and has been stabbed on countless occasions & has witnessed traumatising things.....he is now staying in a homeless hostel where the people are conning him coz he is the only one whos being made to pay double the amount other people have to pay.....

Guy no.2 has had brain surgery becoz he fell off a pier & died 3x whilst in surgery.....he suffers from schizophrenia & is currently on alot of medication.....

I didnt get to talk to them for very long becoz we were short staffed that night so i had to help tidy up....but i found it really difficult to sleep that night.....it totally broke my heart & didnt know what to do besides pray for them...but it has made me think seriously about the attitude i have Vs the one i ought to have, with regards to my first ever salary with this forthcoming job...the sermon on Sunday reinforced my chat with Pinky about chasing after the world's materialistic things.... :)

Think i've spent too long on this blog, kinda lost my train of thought :P

Looking forward to seeing my Princess again very soon! :)