heavy stuff....

"Acute stress reaction, often termed 'shock' by laypersons, a psychological condition in response to terrifying events"

I'd recently been asked an interesting Q by one of my colleagues:
"how d'you analyse people? What goes on in your head?"
My answer to the latter is
"you dont wanna know!" :p

Its a question i find interesting bcoz, well no1 has ever directly asked me how my mind works, so it got me thinking....i'm definitely a deep thinker, but most of it is subconscious. Its become so natural to me that much of the 'analysis' that goes on is outwith of my awareness....i'm sensitive to & aware of alot more than people realise....sometimes i'm aware people arent ok despite them claiming they are, but i cant & wont force you to talk so just have to respect your decision & just leave it innit? Other times issues seem so huge that the only thing i can do is pray coz its beyond me to intervene....

Its hard work, becoz it all happens subconsciously, i cant switch it off! Sometimes i just wish i cud turn it off & just not care, especially after a long day at work! But i guess its about learning how & when to channel out.....

I've been working as a Support Worker in a criminal justice residential unit for women with substance misuse problems for almost 8 months now, & something i've realised is, in this line of work, the higher up you are in the ladder, the further you are from the clients. Like for example, the minimum requirement for Support Workers is SVQ in Social Care or something but they're the people who get the real hands-on exposure & experience of clients.....whereas a Chartered Psychologist will have achieved their status through 4 years Undergrad + 3 yr doctorate (& X numbers of years in between that) but the relationship they have with clients is one of booked appointments, talking about issues within allocated time slots....a Consultant is heavily involved in overseeing services & training etc so their patient contact is even less.......

I've found this job as a Support Worker a real learning curve, and has definitely shaped me as a person. I often find myself frustrated becoz i'm exposed to clients & sides of clients that i wouldnt see if i was sat in the position of an Assistant Psychologist. It seems so much easier! Although you'd be exposed to disclosures of harrowing life experiences and such emotional things, once that session is over, you can 'shut it out'....but working in a residential unit, and as a support worker, means i'm constantly exposed to people's life experiences, heavy emotions....in a really uncontained way! I remember once i was making a cuppa tea and one of the women somehow got onto sharing her traumatic life experiences with me.....

So my role as a Support Worker involves alot of relationship building with the clients....you get to hear about their experiences, their struggles, what makes them happy, their strengths, talents, dreams....you get to meet their family members &/or those significant to them....

I often have stressful days at work, when things are hectic, disorganised etc from the start of my shift to the end & dont even have time for a break.....emotionally & mentally taxing....etc However, yesterday was the toughest day of my working life (yet?) Coz we, as a staff team, were informed of really bad news about an ex-resident, someone whom i got to know quite well...

For the first time in my life, i experienced what is known as 'shock' (in the medical/psychological sense).....ive seen on tv, people vomitting after hearing terrifying news but it happened to me.....i'm not someone who pukes easily but yesterday it felt like it wouldnt stop....i had a horrifying image in my head which i could not get out....the emotions were sooo intense i felt overwhelmed. Thats me, as a worker, how must she & her family be feeling?

I sometimes find the very nature of addictions overwhelming. I cannot comprehend just how much pain someone must be feeling to need to turn to drugs in an attempt to find some relief. The complex deeply ingrained trauma that underlies the drug use, the stresses involved in living in such a lifestyle, the traumas in being homeless....fearing for your personal safety, the vulnerability of being female, such vicious cycles! Some of the stories i've heard people share are just inexplicably...bad(!)

Times like this make me feel lucky.....yeah i complain about alot of things, and yeah there are part of my childhood/past that have left me scarred, but nothing that compares.....
My colleagues & manager have been really good, making sure we're all ok and stuff.....i guess in this line of work, it IS really important to look after yourself...to be aware of how you feel and know how to effectively destress....apparently learning how to detach myself is something i'll learn thru experience.....not that it means i become desensitized & stop caring, but its about taking care of myself too.

I'm glad & thankful i have an amazing mum & bro who love me & are always there for me....for true friends who have stuck by me thru the years....for my indescribably adorable goddaughter! :) I'm also thankful for a patient and understanding boyfriend, who can (somehow) remain calm even when i'm irrationally flapping about one thing or another! I thank God for all the people who have/are making significant impacts in my life....and I'm truly thankful that God is soooo good to be; all the time!

Another interesting Q i was asked this week was:
"how d'you overcome things?" which kinda ties into the whole "how does my mind work" thing even though it was someone completely unrelated who asked that.....maybe i'll share my thoughts on that another time.....:)