I know more about certain ‘guys’ topics than your average girl...I don’t cry easily in movies…I think I’m more understanding and less irrational than the stereotypical girl…I can’t stand multi-faceted behaviours…I was the only Chinese girl in my whole high school…
I’ve never really minded being different from the stereotype or the exception to the rule, but something happened last week that reminded me of the past….& made me realise that one thing that I DO mind being the exception to, is regarding people & their moods….well specific people….
I put up with a lot of stuff because I understand that there is more to it than the outward behaviours. Sometimes people say & do things that hurt me but adopting a critical holistic approach, & trying to be a loving Christian, I often stay silent in the hurt & try to see things from that person’s perspective, regardless of whether I think they have the correct outlook or not.
Generally we as human beings, when troubled by things (be it underlying issues, or things we are consciously aware of), we automatically put on the “socially acceptable” face of appearing ok, make regular conversation etc…only when around those who we are close to, do we show our real emotions……& in cases where we are troubled by things but don’t/can’t explicitly disclose them, we often get snappy at those around us – seemingly “for no apparent reason”
That’s the social norm….but something I’ve realised is, with certain people when they’re troubled by stuff, they can act all pleasant etc around other people however, when around me, I experience (suffer?) the moody tone, lack-of-concentration/attention, lack of interest etc…in essence, the side that reflects the true mood/problem(s) that are troubling them.
I don’t do anything different from other people, nor do I explicitly address the issues so what is it about my personality/character that seems to trigger or bring out such ‘real’ behaviours etc? :S
Truthfully, I don’t mind too much coz usually such moods etc are explained by underlying issues so eventually when I know what the problem really is, I can be more understanding of such moods etc…
The thing that bothers me most is when I have to suffer bad attitudes, manic driving, disrespect etc for no reason!! Coz when I explicitly ask what is REALLY going on, the person doesn’t say. So really, why do I have to put up with such things?? Not that I demand to know everything, but if there’s something in our relationship that makes you feel you can reveal your ‘true feelings’ thru the rage, impatience etc, then surely I deserve to know whats goin on??
I got really upset last night…..because, well the thing that happened reminded me of the past, but in this case, you aren’t my anyone!! So what the F makes you think you can treat me like that?? I’m no longer that ‘close friend’ so why don’t I get the ‘everything is ok’ side??
I cried because I resent myself for caring….I resent that I miss our friendship & who you used to be….I cried because you made the effort to suggest we catch up but hardly spoke two words to me……I cried because of the shock & hurt I felt when you said you were going out & didn’t even bother to wait…..
I don’t deserve to be treated like that - suffering attitudes, moods etc as if I had done something wrong when I’d done nothing!! There’s a fine line between caring for someone despite outward moods etc (because you know the problems that underlie) and just putting up with crap for no reason!
So that’s it…this particular door in my heart is now closed with a padlock on it.
It’s for the best - for me...
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