shutting down

People do not “make us miserable.” We choose to be miserable. The immediate emotion that arises after the action of another person may be automatic and beyond your control, but what you do with that emotion is your decision.

As i'm getting older, I've realised the above statement to be more & more true...maybe thats why i chose to study Psychology; coz i'm really self-aware & i like to think beyond the superficial...

Tonight i had several incidents which has made me realise once you've shut yourself down from people, its hard to open up again....despite conscious efforts to dig up stuff that is common ground, theres sumin thats missing....even though theres not been any bad fall out or hard feelings, i guess time can wash alot of things away - including good things/feelings!

So linking back to the above quote/statement....i guess ive chosen to stop expecting anything from certain people. Coz no expectation means no risk of disappointment. Not that it means our relationship is now tense or whatever, its just that the reality of it is, things have changed so i have two options 1) wallow about it, build up resentment etc or 2) accept that this is reality & move on!

I think as humans, we are too prone to thinking of how things "used to be", so thats the measure used for comparison of the present.....especially in cases where the present is a deterioration of what used to be......but yet if you met that person & they are as they are now, you'd either like it or you wudnt! Whereas people who have changed, you seem to linger on2 what used-to-be & in a sense it becomes unfair(?) on the other person coz you 'expect' them to be as they were.....& when they're not, you feel disappointed.....

I read somewhere that instead of thinking of how things used to be, we ought to embrace changes & accept friends for who they are now, with their current circumstances etc....but thats often a really difficult thing to do coz it requires conscious effort....

I guess i've changed too.......i'm definitely not the young naive girl i was a few years ago!

But its making me question whether comatosed relationships are resuscitatable....

"some people make the world special just by being in it"

I woke up this morning in the quietness of my own house & it really made me miss Birmingham!! :( It was really nice being around the warmth & liveliness of a full house.
I've never had the experience of having a close knit extended-family so being around the Liews (three generations! :P) + auntie Rose was really nice! Before they arrived I was abit scared of feeling like an outsider but they were all really lovely!! Even though i was only around for 1.5days, I felt part of the family! :) Is great how they all pooled in selflessly to help out in every way they could!

After lunch on Wednesday when we sat around chatting....Chris & I were sitting on the floor near the fireplace eating mooncake :P ….it gave me the warm feeling you normally see on TV or whatever, of biggish families at Christmas time :)

I came back to discover a card for me from L, congratulating me on getting my job & saying other nice encouraging things! It made me feel really special! :) I remb couple weeks ago, Chris emailed me to say her & Ash were both really proud of me! Theres something about people who are significant to me teling me they’re prod of me that gives me a warm fuzzy feeling :)

"some people make the world special just by being in it"

i'm definitely blessed to have close friends who care & love me! :) I always seem to play Mother Goose to people (an natural innate thing for me ;) )...which comes even more since i'm a 'leader' & older female in church....butit is really nice when my friends turn round & ask how I'M feeling.... to nag at ME to get things done....remind me to be careful...& tell me they're glad i'm back etc :) It makes me feel special to know that they can see i'm human too & they're not afraid to ask/address my rants.....coz its so easy for people just to take take take & assume you are a superhero with infinite resources.......

its weird that someone whom i consider a close friend, actually does not speak the same love language as me.....infact i dunno what they speak at all!!! :S :S Sometimes its frustrating....coz u'd like them to show they care but they just goof around or whatever......oh well i guess different people work differently.....

Its getting really late now & i'm supposed to be retuning my biological clock back to normal so i better go to bed.....

Missing my babies & my gfs!

stuff

Havent blogged in a long long time..where to begin?

I've recently been thinking a lot about things.....to the point where i'm lying in bed wide awake coz things are running thru my mind....NB ive been thinkin a lot about things, not about a lot of things ;)

On Friday, i had a mini haunting from the past.
When i was in high school...i think like s2 or s3 (when i used to come home for lunch) I used to bump into a Caucasian man who'd talk to me about Chinese stuff.....his opening line wud always be "Nî hâo ma?" then he'd talk crap about his knowledge/experience of Chinese people, HK, China, whatever crap! He'd actually stop me for AGES & ramble on, even tho i had nufin to input & clearly looked uncomfortable in his presence. More often than not, i'd bump in2 him whilst i was right outside my close door, so besides delaying me getting home to eat, knowing he knew exactly where i lived made me feel really vulnerable...
This happened several times...i cant remember how often, but i remember it felt like whenever i'd recovered from the fear, he'd reappear! I remember slightly more recently, i had to take the bus coz my car was getting serviced or sumin, i was walking towards the bus stop across the road from my house with earphones in listening to music & somehow he appeared (from nowhere??) & said "Nî hâo ma?"......it scared the crap out of me! Coz i wasnt paying attention so had no idea where he came from, plus his face haunts me! So i responded with a really angry growler & i walked further in2 the bus shelter bit....dunno where he went afterwards!

So thats the background......on Friday, i was walking thru Gordon St with HY & L....it was drizzly rain so we all had our hoods on & chatted away whilst walking. Suddenly a racist-to-Chinese noise sounded...we looked & saw there was a man standing (outside the Catherine Shaw jewellers? that kinda area neway) ...HY, L & i laughed but when we looked at who made the noise, i noticed IT WAS HIM!!! We continued our walk Borders but the few times HY & L looked back, he was following us! WTF?? Eventually L turned round & said he's away. Phew!
I felt reeeeallly scared! I know it was only 4ish-pm so kinda still bright, i had company & all that but still. His face brought me back to all the other times i'd encountered him & all the negative emotions that came with it! I felt really angry at how vulnerable he made me feel - back then & recurring now!

I mentioned it to Pinky coz he knows/understands the background behind it but being male, he cudnt understand my feelings....its hard being female.....

In City Mission on Friday night, 2 of the service users started making conversation with me (started off with "do you speak English?" haha :P) One of the guys was clearly the more dominant one in their friendship coz he spoke alot & the other guy struggled to get a word in....so Guy no.1 began with a quick summary of his history - he'd been in & outta prison since he was 15 and had pretty much only managed to stay out for like 2wks then get another 6yrs sentence, out for 10 days then another 6 years etc....apparently, presently he has been out for 12wks & is the longest he's been out for. He told me hes been in care homes since he was born and has been stabbed on countless occasions & has witnessed traumatising things.....he is now staying in a homeless hostel where the people are conning him coz he is the only one whos being made to pay double the amount other people have to pay.....

Guy no.2 has had brain surgery becoz he fell off a pier & died 3x whilst in surgery.....he suffers from schizophrenia & is currently on alot of medication.....

I didnt get to talk to them for very long becoz we were short staffed that night so i had to help tidy up....but i found it really difficult to sleep that night.....it totally broke my heart & didnt know what to do besides pray for them...but it has made me think seriously about the attitude i have Vs the one i ought to have, with regards to my first ever salary with this forthcoming job...the sermon on Sunday reinforced my chat with Pinky about chasing after the world's materialistic things.... :)

Think i've spent too long on this blog, kinda lost my train of thought :P

Looking forward to seeing my Princess again very soon! :)