heavy stuff....

"Acute stress reaction, often termed 'shock' by laypersons, a psychological condition in response to terrifying events"

I'd recently been asked an interesting Q by one of my colleagues:
"how d'you analyse people? What goes on in your head?"
My answer to the latter is
"you dont wanna know!" :p

Its a question i find interesting bcoz, well no1 has ever directly asked me how my mind works, so it got me thinking....i'm definitely a deep thinker, but most of it is subconscious. Its become so natural to me that much of the 'analysis' that goes on is outwith of my awareness....i'm sensitive to & aware of alot more than people realise....sometimes i'm aware people arent ok despite them claiming they are, but i cant & wont force you to talk so just have to respect your decision & just leave it innit? Other times issues seem so huge that the only thing i can do is pray coz its beyond me to intervene....

Its hard work, becoz it all happens subconsciously, i cant switch it off! Sometimes i just wish i cud turn it off & just not care, especially after a long day at work! But i guess its about learning how & when to channel out.....

I've been working as a Support Worker in a criminal justice residential unit for women with substance misuse problems for almost 8 months now, & something i've realised is, in this line of work, the higher up you are in the ladder, the further you are from the clients. Like for example, the minimum requirement for Support Workers is SVQ in Social Care or something but they're the people who get the real hands-on exposure & experience of clients.....whereas a Chartered Psychologist will have achieved their status through 4 years Undergrad + 3 yr doctorate (& X numbers of years in between that) but the relationship they have with clients is one of booked appointments, talking about issues within allocated time slots....a Consultant is heavily involved in overseeing services & training etc so their patient contact is even less.......

I've found this job as a Support Worker a real learning curve, and has definitely shaped me as a person. I often find myself frustrated becoz i'm exposed to clients & sides of clients that i wouldnt see if i was sat in the position of an Assistant Psychologist. It seems so much easier! Although you'd be exposed to disclosures of harrowing life experiences and such emotional things, once that session is over, you can 'shut it out'....but working in a residential unit, and as a support worker, means i'm constantly exposed to people's life experiences, heavy emotions....in a really uncontained way! I remember once i was making a cuppa tea and one of the women somehow got onto sharing her traumatic life experiences with me.....

So my role as a Support Worker involves alot of relationship building with the clients....you get to hear about their experiences, their struggles, what makes them happy, their strengths, talents, dreams....you get to meet their family members &/or those significant to them....

I often have stressful days at work, when things are hectic, disorganised etc from the start of my shift to the end & dont even have time for a break.....emotionally & mentally taxing....etc However, yesterday was the toughest day of my working life (yet?) Coz we, as a staff team, were informed of really bad news about an ex-resident, someone whom i got to know quite well...

For the first time in my life, i experienced what is known as 'shock' (in the medical/psychological sense).....ive seen on tv, people vomitting after hearing terrifying news but it happened to me.....i'm not someone who pukes easily but yesterday it felt like it wouldnt stop....i had a horrifying image in my head which i could not get out....the emotions were sooo intense i felt overwhelmed. Thats me, as a worker, how must she & her family be feeling?

I sometimes find the very nature of addictions overwhelming. I cannot comprehend just how much pain someone must be feeling to need to turn to drugs in an attempt to find some relief. The complex deeply ingrained trauma that underlies the drug use, the stresses involved in living in such a lifestyle, the traumas in being homeless....fearing for your personal safety, the vulnerability of being female, such vicious cycles! Some of the stories i've heard people share are just inexplicably...bad(!)

Times like this make me feel lucky.....yeah i complain about alot of things, and yeah there are part of my childhood/past that have left me scarred, but nothing that compares.....
My colleagues & manager have been really good, making sure we're all ok and stuff.....i guess in this line of work, it IS really important to look after yourself...to be aware of how you feel and know how to effectively destress....apparently learning how to detach myself is something i'll learn thru experience.....not that it means i become desensitized & stop caring, but its about taking care of myself too.

I'm glad & thankful i have an amazing mum & bro who love me & are always there for me....for true friends who have stuck by me thru the years....for my indescribably adorable goddaughter! :) I'm also thankful for a patient and understanding boyfriend, who can (somehow) remain calm even when i'm irrationally flapping about one thing or another! I thank God for all the people who have/are making significant impacts in my life....and I'm truly thankful that God is soooo good to be; all the time!

Another interesting Q i was asked this week was:
"how d'you overcome things?" which kinda ties into the whole "how does my mind work" thing even though it was someone completely unrelated who asked that.....maybe i'll share my thoughts on that another time.....:)

get to the point!

"I'd rather you hate me for who I am, than love me for who I am not"

Today I realised something - i can't stand beating around the bush!

I'm quite perceptive about things & people around me, so i find it really hard to 'play along' when i see people have ulterior motives - bit like when some people give you lotsa superficial small talk just to build up to what they're really after you for....it really bugs me! I dont mind if people i dont really know well or talk much to ask me for help/whatever but just get to the point! Why waste my time??

I'd rather not say anything than to pretend.....

As i'm getting older, i feel i'm less willing to tolerate things.....i think its less of an arrogant kinda thing though & more of a knowing-who-i-am-&-what-i-want/need kinda way....plus working means time is precious so productivity is key!

Working with women offenders with substance misuse problems is taxing in the sense that they've learnt to be so manipulative that being around them is hard work coz almost everything they say & do carries messages/attitudes.....
Theres recently been a couple of residents in with mental health problems....all of them do in the sense of deep-rooted trauma & all the PTSD related etc related to it, but the recent new admissions came with bipolar and schizophrenia! (i find it somewhat worrying that i could see the women had schizophrenia but our senior mental health nurse said she doesnt....the service user got admitted to Parkhead Hospital & the psychiatrist there diagnosed her with schizophrenia.....hmm)

My colleagues are not mental health trained or whatever so was interesting coz they find the 2 ladies really hard to work with but i love being around them! With mental health patients, yeh they can talk random bizzare things at times, but what you see is what you get! I find the other so-called 'normal' residents harder work coz some of them can be quite cocky & demanding! Theres one lady who has quite a rude attitude.....& she is quite pushy & demanding to me.....apparently she doesnt like that some of the staff are younger than her......which i can kinda understand coz i wont have as much life experience as her & all that, but my theoretical knowledge & other experiences say i'm good enough to be where i am so you'll just have to like it or lump it! I'm the kinda person who wont really realise/be affected by things til a while after its happened, so such people end up getting away with things with me...hmm......

Uni just does not prepare you for the real world though....its all well having all the theory but who teaches you how to deal with real life issues outwith of the textbook? I know most about Social Psychology stuff from observing others (personalities, attitudes etc) & severe mental health problems from volunteering & in work, and know some of the theory behind the long-term effects of abuse but what about the real-life daily things that are also effects? Like self-harm and suicidial ideation?? I understand the thinking behind it but where in the textbook teaches you how to console or comfort a person goin thru it? Gosh....

Although some days can be really draining & stressful....when i'm having bad days i wish my passions were in 'non/less-human related' work (like working with plants, animals or numbers! :P) but the truth is, i wouldnt change it for the world!

Good Will Hunting is a film that reminds me of my dreams when things get tough :) I watched the trailer of Sandra Bollock's film The Blind Side the other night & it totally reminded me of my deepest desires.....It has always been my dream, since i was a kid, to play significant role in people's lives...to believe in people whom themselves &/or society have given up on....i couldnt imagine myself doing anything!

Missing my precious wee Princess

you are what you excrete

Last week I went to a 5-day training course for detox acupuncture and the trainer guy said "you are what you excrete"...referring to healthy-eating but also elimination of emotional baggage etc important for maintaining emotional wellbeing.

The course revolved around the Chinese philosophy of the Five Elements and although much of that feng shui gumph goes against Christianity, I found the personality traits within the Five Elements an interesting read (being into Psychology, i'm big on personality things :P) I cant remb most of it, but i remb being able to relate a lot to what was written about 'Earth' personality types.....people who care a lot about others, often at the sacrifice of themselves. The drawback of such characters is proneness to stress and anxiety, particularly when they feel unsupported by others.

In the majority of situations I am in, I dont feel I can be truly open & honest, particularly becoz people around me cant handle the truth of whats really goin on in my mind & heart...
I dont think it requires someone who has "been there done that" to be a good listener or someone whom i'd open up to...its not about them having advice to give & it not about them knowing what the right thing to say is, its about listening, acknowledging & accepting my experience & feelings FIRST! Then mayb offer advice/opinion/whatver....
Theres nothing worse than thinking you can talk to someone just for them to turn round and dismiss your feelings &/or decisions...worse still, tell you you're being stoopit or its your own fault! :O The real important key to counselling is validation of the person's feelings!

Its annoying that people expect you to listen to them rant but if/when you need to be heard, it often gets dismissed...

I'm finding more & more that my "Love Language" of Quality Time & Quality Conversations etc is coming thru.....mayb its bcoz i've started working so time is precious....i find myself feeling big random gatherings & superficial chats are kinda pointless...why not get down to some real stuff eh? Life is too short for so much faffing around, walking on egg shells and all that!

So yeh back to the original quote.....although elimination of emotional stuff is important, i've also learnt for myself, that talking to many people often causes myself more harm than good. I feel blessed to know there are a few jewels out there who have gotten to know me well enough to notice & care when i'm stressed out &/or not being myself etc :) As for the rest, its my bad for feeling kinda hurt/disappointed/whatever coz the reality is, your response/opinion doesnt matter to me anyway!

- Missing my Princess a lot!