ramble

"If you die and you can count your friends on one hand, then you have lived a good life".

I remember reading that somewhere when I was younger & thinking "what?? ive got a lot more than 5 friends"..... but with age, I'm beginning to see the truth in that quote. True friends are indeed hard to come by.....

I'm not someone who opens up easily...perhaps its a "once bitten twice shy" thing coz I've been hurt in the past...

I've recently noticed there is something.....theres something deep & special about a boy-girl relationship that same-sex friends will never match - regardless of how long you've been good mates with ur same-gender friend. Sounds like a stoopit thing to say....especially becoz I've always been a believer in "sisters b4 ur misters"....i watched Bride Wars in the cinema & it reminded me of someone & i cried becoz i wished that what happened in the film wud happen in real life (not the whole war part, but the bits when both of the brides are lying awake at night etc becoz even tho they were happy that they're soon to be getting married to the man they love, things just didnt seem right becoz they didnt have their best friend.....)

I'm not sure that is the case in real life.....i used to believe it to be true but reality tells me otherwise....you think you know someone but maybe you dont coz the only person whom they allow to see all of their thoughts etc is their other-half...even if you've spent years being really good friends, along comes a guy/girl & soon you're yesterday's news!

I think i open up about the same to an other-half as i do to close gfs but somehow the role of the other-half is just more willing to do something about it...wonder why that is...coz theoretically gfs shud be able to relate more....

I think only one person truly knows & understands me & actually does sumin about it! (besides God of course!)...in the sense that he can tell when i'm unhappy, be it thru text, phone or in person....he can see thru my 'everything is ok' masks....hes not afraid to address issues underlying my outward emotions....altho we had dated for a couple of years, i dont think that is why hes got this 'ability' to sense & see thru me....coz we were really good friends for years b4 then......i feel really blessed that God has preserved our friendship :)

"Friends listen to what you dont say"

I've been told b4 "u shud tell me when ure feeling unhappy coz otherwise i wont know"
Part of me thinks theres truth in that, but another part of me feels that u shud know me well enough to be able to tell....wheres the line between it being nature to certain personalities Vs effort....perhaps its jst time & effort which neither of us are willing to invest....

Girls are a lot less "get up & go" than guys.....guys will drive out to see you/take you out to cheer u up....they'll make silly jokes &/or fools of themselves just so you'll smile agen....they'll spend an hour in the freezing cold to help you fix your car coz they'd rather they do it than i get ripped off by a random Halfords guy....they'll go out of their way & grant ur random spontaneous suggestion of a road trip, travelling 150 miles just to stay 3hrs & come home again, becoz its your last days b4 starting work.......

I'm just rambling.....

So back to the original quote....there definitely arent many people to whom i can truly be myself, and even less i know i can call & dependent upon in case of emergency, but for the few that are, i thank God for :)

- I love you

"Friends are those with whom we feel comfortable enough to 'think out loud."

"A friendship is like a gold chain..each link is a memory from past to present..."

Exception to the rule

I’m not your “average girl”, never have been & never will be! ;) I’m quite tall for a girl…I’m proud to be stronger than your “average girl”, I can lift heavier weights than most other girls who go in2 the gym’s Muscle Conditioning Suite, I can do full-press ups and infact I perform better than some of the guys in there! :P

I know more about certain ‘guys’ topics than your average girl...I don’t cry easily in movies…I think I’m more understanding and less irrational than the stereotypical girl…I can’t stand multi-faceted behaviours…I was the only Chinese girl in my whole high school…

I’ve never really minded being different from the stereotype or the exception to the rule, but something happened last week that reminded me of the past….& made me realise that one thing that I DO mind being the exception to, is regarding people & their moods….well specific people….

I put up with a lot of stuff because I understand that there is more to it than the outward behaviours. Sometimes people say & do things that hurt me but adopting a critical holistic approach, & trying to be a loving Christian, I often stay silent in the hurt & try to see things from that person’s perspective, regardless of whether I think they have the correct outlook or not.

Generally we as human beings, when troubled by things (be it underlying issues, or things we are consciously aware of), we automatically put on the “socially acceptable” face of appearing ok, make regular conversation etc…only when around those who we are close to, do we show our real emotions……& in cases where we are troubled by things but don’t/can’t explicitly disclose them, we often get snappy at those around us – seemingly “for no apparent reason”

That’s the social norm….but something I’ve realised is, with certain people when they’re troubled by stuff, they can act all pleasant etc around other people however, when around me, I experience (suffer?) the moody tone, lack-of-concentration/attention, lack of interest etc…in essence, the side that reflects the true mood/problem(s) that are troubling them.

I don’t do anything different from other people, nor do I explicitly address the issues so what is it about my personality/character that seems to trigger or bring out such ‘real’ behaviours etc? :S

Truthfully, I don’t mind too much coz usually such moods etc are explained by underlying issues so eventually when I know what the problem really is, I can be more understanding of such moods etc…

The thing that bothers me most is when I have to suffer bad attitudes, manic driving, disrespect etc for no reason!! Coz when I explicitly ask what is REALLY going on, the person doesn’t say. So really, why do I have to put up with such things?? Not that I demand to know everything, but if there’s something in our relationship that makes you feel you can reveal your ‘true feelings’ thru the rage, impatience etc, then surely I deserve to know whats goin on??

I got really upset last night…..because, well the thing that happened reminded me of the past, but in this case, you aren’t my anyone!! So what the F makes you think you can treat me like that?? I’m no longer that ‘close friend’ so why don’t I get the ‘everything is ok’ side??

I cried because I resent myself for caring….I resent that I miss our friendship & who you used to be….I cried because you made the effort to suggest we catch up but hardly spoke two words to me……I cried because of the shock & hurt I felt when you said you were going out & didn’t even bother to wait…..

I don’t deserve to be treated like that - suffering attitudes, moods etc as if I had done something wrong when I’d done nothing!! There’s a fine line between caring for someone despite outward moods etc (because you know the problems that underlie) and just putting up with crap for no reason!

So that’s it…this particular door in my heart is now closed with a padlock on it.

It’s for the best - for me...